My husband works at the bank—the same bank I met him when I went there to do my national service. He was my supervisor and treated me very well when I was doing my national service. Before I could have the time to ask myself why he was treating me that way, he proposed to me. I said to myself, “I should have seen this coming.” I’d known him for a while and I’d concluded in my mind that he was a good man. I said yes to him. He said, “Be careful around here. I’m not the only one who had been meaning to get you. There are others. Just look around and you’ll see them.”
We didn’t have a lot of space to explore the new love we had found. He closed from work very late and went to work very early. He went to work on some weekends too. That meant we only had Sundays to share. I didn’t complain because I understood the territory he was operating in. I did my best as a girlfriend until I completed my national service.
The boss who promised to get me retained at the bank wanted something I couldn’t give so he stopped working to get me retained there. I went out on my own to look for a job after service. After a whole year of staying home, I got a job at one of the microfinance companies in town. I got busy too but we tried all we could to keep the fire between us burning. We talked when we could. We met when we should. We went out on a date when time was on our side.
One day he proposed marriage. I said, “Why not?” It was our third year in a relationship, I remember. He came home to meet my parents. We put all the necessary arrangements in place for the marriage to happen. Eight months later we were married. I always say that our honeymoon was the best days of our lives as a couple. For the first time in our lives, we had two whole weeks to ourselves. He didn’t go anywhere and I didn’t go anywhere. I would turn to my left or right and I would see him next to me, either cuddling or telling me a joke or giving me office gossips.
All we had to do was to enjoy each other and we did. We really did, to the extent that I returned from the honeymoon pregnant. Pregnancy was something we didn’t anticipate at the early stages of our marriage. We talked about it often and decided we were going to wait a year or two before pregnancy. We discussed it yet did nothing to prevent it from happening. Maybe we thought it was impossible to get pregnant right after our honeymoon.
We didn’t want it but we woke up one day and it was staring us right in the face. Couples plan and execute their plans perfectly but we started our marriage with a failed plan. “No problem. Life goes on,” we said to ourselves. Nine months later, our baby arrived with all the newness you will expect from a baby. He made our lives brand new and also dictated the paces of our lives.
I had only three months of maternity leave. I thought it would be easier transitioning from motherhood to work. It wasn’t. I thought my baby was too young to be left at home with a caretaker. I thought he was also too young to be sent to school. The best way out was to ask my mother to come and stay with us so she could help take care of the baby while we were away.
My mom came. He took over and did a perfect job on the baby so I and my husband could concentrate on our work. Our baby was six months when my husband told me, “Pat, you’ll have to stop working.” I was like “Huh?” He blabbed, “How long can your mother stay here? She can’t be here for the rest of her life. She’s temporary but what we need is a permanent plan. Stop working and stay home for the kid.”
He didn’t suggest it to me or appeal it. He just said it as though it was something simple to do. I said, “You mean I should come stay home and be a housewife? That wasn’t part of the plan so where is it coming from?” He said, “Getting pregnant from honeymoon wasn’t also part of the plan but we are dealing with it now. Life doesn’t give us the liberty to plan for everything. We need a solution and I believe this is the right solution going forward.”
I looked at him. He looked sternly back at me. I said, “No, I can’t stop working. At least not now.” He said, “You can’t say no. Just think about it and see all the benefits. We have time.”
He kept bombarding me every day asking me to decide as quickly as I can. In my mind, it was never going to happen so I never thought about it. My mom wasn’t a permanent solution but the temporary solution she was providing was enough. Then he started seeing everything wrong with my mom staying with us. He complained to me at nights when we are about to sleep and complained early when we woke up from bed.
“Your mom is intruding.” “See how she did that, was it the right way to do it?” Why would she cook Fufu when we had asked for rice?”
He questioned everything and picked issues with everything but I didn’t mind. He pushed me to the wall to resign but I stood my ground until our son was old enough to start going to school. That was when he relaxed on his push for me to resign.
Currently, I’m pregnant with our second child. The argument had resurfaced again. Weeks ago, he said, “Make sure the day you come home on maternity leave would be your last day at work.” That evening I had an honest conversation with him, lining up all my fears and listing all the things that could go wrong. He said, “You don’t have anything to fear. If I have to pay your salary so you stay home for the kids, I will.”
I’m seven months pregnant. Soon, I will have to come home on maternity and don’t know what to do. I can do everything for my kids. I love them that much but the future comes with too many uncertainties and that makes me scared. Now he’s promising everything just to make me resign. What if he doesn’t do what he said he would do? What options would be available for me?
A job is too dear to let go of no matter the situation you find yourself in but the pressure coming my way is like the tidal waves—it’s hard to swerve. What should I do to ensure peace in the midst of this storm I’m facing? Should I resign because he said he would do everything for me? Should I disregard him and bear the consequences? I’m pregnant and my hormones are all over the place. Thinking about these things give me a headache and a lot of sleepless nights. Please help.
