Coping with a Cheating Spouse
Sometimes people have a suspicion that their spouse is cheating but don’t have any solid evidence. While often the best approach in marriage is to be direct, you may wonder if it will cause more damage to ask directly.
And, of course, the answer your spouse gives could either be the truth or a lie. The best approach will vary for different couples, but if you’re concerned, it may be a good idea to look for some of the signs.
Cry for Help vs. Exit Strategy
In some marriages, an affair is a cry for help, a way to force the couple to finally face the problems that both parties are aware of but aren’t addressing.
In this case, the partner often actually tries to get caught as a way of bringing the issue to the fore. Other times a partner may simply see infidelity as an exit strategy (a way to end an unhappy marriage.)
Regardless of the underlying reason a spouse cheats, it can either devastate a marriage or be the catalyst for rebuilding it, depending upon how the infidelity is dealt with.
When You’ve Been Wronged
If you were the one cheated on, it’s critical to realize that you’re not responsible for your spouse making the decision to cheat. You are not to blame for his or her behaviour.
You may, however, want to explore how the dynamics between you and your spouse led you to this point. Recognizing that infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues can lead a couple to fix the underlying problems in their relationship and grow closer.
Women tend to find emotional affairs more threatening than sexual affairs, whereas men are more willing to forgive emotional affairs but for both, the most common response to learning of their partner’s affair is jealousy.
Even if you were the one wronged, working with a professional may be helpful in coping and recovering yourself. Unresolved jealousy can lead to resentment, and as the old adage claims: “Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die.”
How do I Overcome Infidelity?
Some couples can move past infidelity and move on to have even an even better relationship, whereas some cannot.
Certainly, there are times when continuing the marriage wouldn’t be recommended. Before you analyse the specifics of the affair from your spouse’s perspective and look at why the affair occurred in terms of his or her needs, it’s important to look at your own needs. This can be more challenging than it sounds, especially amidst the jealousy and anger.
If you were the one who had an affair, there are several steps you can take if you hope to save your marriage. Foremost you need to stop cheating and lying immediately and own your choice. Being patient and giving your spouse space is essential.
That doesn’t say it will work out. It may not. But without accepting full responsibility (not blaming or justifying your behaviour the chances will be low.
The chance that you can get past the affair depends on many factors, such as the reasons why it occurred and characteristics of both people.
To truly understand and move forward, both partners will need to listen to the other (which can be extremely challenging in this setting), and not assume that their partner’s motivation or feelings would be the same as their own.
For those who decide to try and overcome infidelity, it appears that the mutual capacity to forgive and a strong commitment to the relationship are key.
There are many potential reasons for cheating, and marriage is complicated. But speaking directly, expressing your needs, practicing forgiveness, and making a commitment to work on your marriage daily are the best insurance plan to protect your marriage.
