Differences Between Girlfriends and Wives.

You lucky guy! You have a beautiful, sweet, adoring girlfriend who hangs on your every word. The only thing that could make this better is to lock her down forever. So you do. And then, wait, what happened? Your wonderful girlfriend has been replaced with this pod person wife who just does not seem that into you anymore. Let us count the ways your sweetheart has changed.

1- Gifts.

Girlfriend: Sex in exotic locations. Surprise steakhouse dinner. Tickets to the big game. Electronics.

Wife: Something she found on Pinterest where the kids’ footprints spell out waste of time and effort Happy Birthday Daddy.

2- Talking.

Girlfriend: When you called her, she sounded excited to hear from you. She thought you were fascinating and hilarious. You vividly recall her asking you to repeat particularly funny anecdotes. She laughed at all your jokes.

Wife: when you call her, her tone is similar to when she gets called by telemarketers. She glazes over halfway through your funny story about your boss. To spare her further boredom you stop talking about work when you’re at home. She laughs at your ineptitude at household repairs.

3- Physical attraction.

Girlfriend: she was always holding your hand or snuggling with you on the couch. And that was in between the five times a day you would have sex.

Wife: She scrutinizes you closely and announces you are growing ear hair.

4- Your parents.

Girlfriend: she was always sending them cute presents and making them photo books. She emailed with your mom a lot.

Wife: ever since the “feeding Madison a Snickers” incident of 2012, they are personae non grata.

5- Your job.

Girlfriend: She was so proud of you and your dedication to your career. She thought you were brilliant and impressive.

Wife: “What the hell do you mean you have another business trip? I wish I got to stay in a hotel sometimes.”

6- Sex.

Girlfriend: She went to Victoria’s Secret frequently to get new lingerie. She told you how great you were in bed.

Wife: She will have sex with you if you initiate, if she isn’t tired, if Real Housewives isn’t on*, and if the kids have been asleep for 1 hour. And if it’s Tuesday. And if there is low humidity and a southward wind moving at 15 miles per hour and the moon is in Capricorn.

*This includes Real Housewives Tell All, Real Housewives First Look, and of course the after-show with Andy.

7- Dates.

Girlfriend: she showed up looking hot and was up for anything. You loved how spontaneous she could be.

Wife: “I cannot believe you didn’t even look at the Outlook calendar on which I had clearly stated that tonight is the night we are supposed to go to Lowe’s and look at new toilet seats. Why do I even bother keeping you in the loop? No, we have no time to grab food, and I’m on a diet anyway because if you didn’t notice I am fat. You might want to eat a little less too.”

8- Compliments.

Girlfriend: She thought you were smart, handsome, and funny. She complimented your taste in movies, books, music, and restaurants.

Wife: “First of all, I told you to get rid of that shirt. And why did you pick this place? No, no, I’m just asking, whatever, it’s fine. It’s just that Mexican food makes me sick. Are you going to get a haircut sometime soon?”