RELATIONSHIP
Early Signs of an Incompatible Relationship.
Sometimes at the start of a relationship it’s hard to spot the signs that you are incompatible, especially when you’re loving every moment of each other’s company (read: cracking up and having sex). People are sharing the romantic incompatibilities they wish they hadn’t missed early on in their current and previous relationships so we can learn from their mistakes…
1. “We didn’t have a lot of (or really any) shared hobbies. He was an indoor person who liked computers, video games, television, and I’m an active outdoor person (kayaking, hiking, camping, skiing). I ended up giving up a lot of the things I liked to do in an effort to spend more time with my partner. Ultimately I became frustrated and resentful that I couldn’t keep the hobbies I liked, and he always declined when I suggested he join me. He got upset with the amount of time I wanted to spend outside, and therefore away from him.”
2. “That I wanted more communication and time together. I am not ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’, I just like frequent communication and spending time with my partner.”
3. “We didn’t have similar financial values. I cannot state this one enough. Financial transparency is so important to me for so many reasons. We didn’t have similar beliefs about money, or similar spending habits. Realising this could have helped me SO much.”
4. “We have different political beliefs and values. He was a hardcore republican conservative who believes women should stay home and take care of family and the house. My culture is the same (I’m from the Philippines) but I have grown and seen that there is an alternative.”
5. “He hates listening to music and I’m such a big fan of music. I thought at first that it didn’t matter. But I would be in the car with him and he’d shut off my radio. And we’d be sitting in silence because he ‘preferred’ it.”
6. “Our communication style, especially when angry or upset with one another. No, it’s not just his mum that he ignores and gives the silent treatment to when he’s upset. He’ll eventually do that to you too.”
7. “My husband is a hoarder where I am more of a minimalist. I didn’t realise how much stuff he had, including a storage unit filled with stuff, until we were moving in together. We make it work but the amount of stuff we have stresses me out.”
8. “Cleaning. We met when we were in our early 20s and I assumed his snobbishness was because he was young and living with other dudes. Even after living with him before getting married, I underestimated the toll it would take to live with someone who had drastically different standards of cleanliness and was unhelpful. He wouldn’t clean on his own, but also wouldn’t clean when I asked. I tried everything. And although this wasn’t the only thing that ended the relationship, that daily, mundane, irritating conflict sure didn’t help.”
9. “His views on women. He would frequently make fun of girls’ weight and appearance. He referred to girls’ outfits as slutty. He wouldn’t let me show my stomach. He always had a problem with what I was wearing. He even asked me what I was wearing when I told him I’d been sexually assaulted.”
10. “He couldn’t be open about his thoughts and feelings and he couldn’t handle conflict. His family growing up was so conflict averse and adhered so much to ‘father is the unquestionable leader of the family’ that they never had any kind of confrontation, even when the father did terrible things. Everything was fine in the beginning of the relationship but whenever we had disagreements, he just couldn’t engage at all, much less in a healthy and productive way.
“He eventually broke up with me because he felt like he was making my life worse, which in hindsight was true. Pay close attention to how your partner’s family behaves. It will give you a lot of insight into how and why your partner will respond to different situations.”
11. “He’s a sober vegan and I’m neither of those things, and he says that’s not gonna be a problem, but is he lying about that? (Probably.) He says he doesn’t believe in systemic privilege and oppression, but is that necessarily such a bad thing? (Yes. Run.) He seems to have no interest in sex and does it only for my benefit, but is that really a dealbreaker for me? (Yes. Especially in a monogamous relationship.)”
12. “His dog was terribly behaved. Every walk was a nightmare with this thrashing, barking little monster. It bothered me, it bothered strangers, it bothered other dogs and animals. But my boyfriend was able to forget about it as soon as it was over. I don’t think at 23 I knew that my ex’s dog was an incompatibility. Now I know what the dog represented, though. It was a lack of consideration for others, and a lack of investment in shaping the everyday life you want to have. I’m a fastidious person who knows what she wants (including peace and discipline). My ex enjoyed his comforts without examining them, and his shit was out of control.”
13. “He always had to be the centre of attention at parties. At the time, I thought it was good because then I can be quiet and he can liven up a party. After our breakup, I realised I was embarrassed by his antics. I forced myself to laugh at his jokes and find them funny. I did not let myself admit that I was annoyed by him and found him obnoxious.”
