For the offender: COME
C: Come clean
Now is the time to come clean about whatever it is that you have done to wrong your loved one, friend, co-worker, or someone else who you hurt by breaking their trust. It is better for you to admit your wrong doing and genuinely seek forgiveness before they find out from someone else.
Before you approach the individual to come clean, know what you are going to say.
Make sure your heart is in a state of seeking forgivness and wanting to heal the relationship by telling them. If you are angry and blaming them for your wrong doing in any way, then you are likely to cause more division rather than getting on the right path toward healing the relationship.
If the violation you are coming clean about is in regard to infidelity, then you should admit your wrongdoings without giving graphic details. Your loved one does not need to be hurt with details pertaining to the specific sexual encounter.
Once you provide those details they can not be erased from your loved ones mind and they will leave a lasting scar in their mind. This scar and those thoughts will make it harder for them to overcome the betrayal. Instead come clean with the basics and make the conversation more about your desire to change, and your commitment to never offend in this manner again (adopting a zero tolerance policy toward deception, deceit, and infidelity).
Do answer all of their questions. If they ask specific questions about the affair, answer openly and honestly. Your goal with this is to show that you are willing to be 100% honest and transparent for the sake of the relationship moving forward.
When you are coming clean, begin with letting the other person know how much you value them which is why you are coming clean.
Talk about your past, the value of the relationship for both of you, and the need to get through this to have a fresh start together.
Prefacing your talk on coming clean with this information should help put the other person in a better frame of mind for accepting the information and also a willingness to want to heal the relationship.
Simply blurting out “I cheated on you” is risky and likely to lead to yelling, screaming, and a verbal fight. Start the conversation with talk about your genuine care, love, affection, and/or care for the individual.
Show your remorse.
You need to be apologetic and sincerely remorseful for your wrong doing. If you aren’t feeling remorseful, then you may need to do some soul searching and look at yourself honestly about your actions and how they affect others.
Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you have hurt. How would you feel if the situation was flipped and you were the one who had been hurt and whose trust was broken?
Find the courage to be remorseful and to show your remorse through your sincere, and thoughtfully worded, apology. Explain how you regret your actions and vow to never do it again. Mean what you say by doing what you say. Trust cannot be regained unless your words match your actions.
When you are coming clean, expect a reaction from the other person. The level of hurt you have inflicted will likely correlate with the level of the reaction. There may be crying, yelling, sobbing, and even harsh words. Prepare yourself emotionally to witness these emotions and not respond with anything other than empathy and care.
Do not make things worse by becoming heated emotionally and reacting with negative words and/or actions. Remain calm and keep a level head. Brace yourself for the emotions and words that may be coming. Know that they will eventually stop.
Be the calming force in the storm.
You want the relationship to work, so you need to be strong when you experience their reaction. Strong means having an empathetic and calm reaction. You can do this by expressing how sorry you are and how much you care for the person, which is why you are coming clean and want to make things right in the relationship.
If you are not willing to admit your wrong doing and apologize then the relationship cannot heal. The other steps in this formula and process hinge on the necessity of you, the offending party, to admit your wrong doing and ask for forgiveness.
You can’t merely state what you have done and make excuses for the behavior, or worse yet, blame the victim. You must take responsibility for your actions, admit your wrong doing, and ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner.
If you are not willing to come clean, withholding of the truth can be even more detrimental to the relationship than the actual violation. Keep this in mind, because not admitting to wrong doing may prevent the relationship from ever being restored. Know your priorities. Do you want a good relationship? Do you want things to be healed? If the answer is yes, then coming clean is foundational to this process.
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