How to Tell if Someone Likes You.

One of the most common questions I get in my inbox is some form of, “How do you know if someone actually likes you?” I get it: In the first few years of dating and hooking up, the signs can be quite blurry. Was that person staring at you, or into space during a boring class? Does she have feelings for you, or does she act this way with everyone? Did he like my Instagram post because he likes me, or that meme? These questions can torture even the most level-headed person.

There are a few different scenarios in which one might ask themselves how to determine what’s flirting and what isn’t, and they all require very different approaches. This is all assuming you don’t just want to ask this person directly — which is always an option! But most of us aren’t that brave and self-confident, so here’s some advice for a more subtle approach.

If They’re Crushing From Afar

There might be someone you pass in the hallways who seems to be sizing you up, who smiles at you, who bashfully looks away when you make eye contact. Or are they? This situation has a high potential for obsession and delusion, since their every little move is up for interpretation. (Note: Your friends’ two cents can make this worse.) You keep thinking they’re going to talk to you, to brush against you, to do something to indicate that Yes, I have a crush on you, but they just never do. What’s the next move?

Chances are, it’s not totally your imagination; this person is probably intrigued by you in some way. But, much like when you’re the one stealing glances, this crush currently resides in fantasyland. You must get to know this person better if you’re going to get any information about romantic potential — in fact, that’s good advice for both of you. Since you’re likely the object of this person’s affection, it’ll feel lower stakes if you make conversation first. Ask them open-ended questions, or make a conspiratorial joke and see if they share your sense of humor. You will only know whether this dynamic is something worth pursuing if you have a few actual conversations. It could very well be that this person has a lackluster personality, and you won’t even care if they like you or not.

If They’re a Natural Flirt

You know the type: The person who’s stylish and cool (yet warm) and always knows what to say; who talks to you, to everyone, like you’re in on a big secret together. They look you in the eye when they talk, and maybe they touch you suggestively. This person is a natural flirt, and there’s at least one in every friend group. This dilemma is especially rampant in your teens and 20s because people are just starting to discover their sexuality and exercise their flirting muscles. Flirting is a wonderful thing, and it doesn’t necessarily have to go anywhere; sharing a vibe that’s sorta sexually charged can be really fun if all parties are on the same page. But what if you’re confused and you’re not sure whether this person wants more? Since the nature of flirting is inherently subtle, it can be tough to know whether a flirt is just playing, or if they’re actually into you.

Assuming you want something more with this person (because this is not a given), I’d recommend collecting intel on how they act with others. Check with your friends about whether the flirt pulls the exact same moves on them. If you’re getting this person’s signature moves, it probably means they don’t want a relationship. Observe this person in a group: Do they make a special effort to pay attention to you or be next to you? Do they seem to really remember what you say or ask deeper questions about your life? If you notice them acting differently around you than around others — more focused attention, or maybe even less attention because they’re nervous — this could be a sign that they’re specifically into dating you.

If They’re Your “Special Friend”

Think Maya and Sam from PEN15: You’re ostensibly just really good friends, but there are lots of moments that are thrillingly ambiguous. You cuddle but never kiss. You spend hours talking late-night, but about other crushes you have — perhaps one or both of you are dating someone. You meet up spontaneously and have memorable adventures. You can be “real” with them. Maybe your friendship is a little secretive, or exists outside of your normal friend group. People notice, and are always asking if you like each other. You’re quick to gaslight everyone and say, “No! Never!”

You know there’s a connection, but neither of you have actually made a move to hook up, and you’re not even sure you want to. So what do you do?

I call this person a “special friend,” and as someone who’s had a bunch in my past, my feeling is that it’s usually easiest to keep it that way. I’m normally a straightforward kind of gal, but this is the one time I’m going to advise against the “What are we?” conversation. It’s not necessary! “Special friends” require a delicate balance that can be ruptured by putting the relationship on the spot.

Unless you’re extremely sure you feel romantically towards them and very much want to date them — even at the expense of your friendship — I say leave this relationship in the gray area until there’s an obvious, mutual moment of becoming something more. (And that moment may never come.) Just act like you normally would, try not to put pressure on the relationship, and enjoy this rare, strong connection with another human. Friendships don’t always have to be 100% platonic to be functional; a touch of tension and intrigue is fine, as long as it’s not painful for either of you.