The absurdities of ‘I LOVE YOU’: A trivially trivial triviality

I will not make any attempt whatsoever to define love. I will employ the attitude of a philosopher called George Edward Moore, who says that some things cannot be defined, but just described; for instance, colour.

One can only be successful in describing colour red, which is different from definition, right? Thus I conceive of philia or love as a simple term which is indefinable just as colour blue or yellow. If I should crudely attempt a description, I will say that love is a feeling of positive attraction towards an entity. Of course, it’s an inadequate description. The expression of love is as absurd as the very attempt that one makes to define or explain it. But even more absurd is when someone tells you I LOVE YOU. Let me tell you a little story to establish my assertion of the absurdities.

Kwame Pendrive and Afua Toonoo have been dating for six months now at the village of Tebi. Their love affair is the envy of all young men and women in the village. The old folks use them as a reminiscing instance to remember their hey day which they always termed as ‘good’ (the good old days, they say). Make no mistake, village love is extremely intense and lovingly loving than what we see today in the cities. Kwame and Afua are both university graduates as well, so one aptly realises that they have indeed ‘upgraded’ their relationship above the standard of the local folks. But as it has always been, it’s observers who evidently see the beauty of a relationship, the participants themselves always have their own problems.

One Friday morning, whilst attacking my mow-hill looking waakye to satisfy my Saturday ritual of imprisoning a portion of Hajia of Abura’s waakye in my stomach, Kwame Pendrive visited. He looked sullen and glum. His face was symptomatic of a defeated parliamentary candidate. The grieving faces of defeated parliamentary candidates are indescribable, because such people do not only grieve over their immediate defeat but the opportunity to get their party’s nomination again koraaa is more of a problem. Well, I could only inquire from Kwame the cause of the face he was ‘wearing’ if Afua was pregnant, to which he responded in the negative. As for me de3, I was being realistic in asking about pregnancy first because wearing a face indicative of a defeated parliamentary candidate resonates serious interrogation.

Apparently, Kwame was chatting on phone with Afua the evening before the morning on one of these social media platforms, ‘that one that they call whatsapp’; then Afua sent an ‘I Love You’ message to Kwame, only for him to reply with an emoji! That image which is smiling as if it’s ‘somewhere’ is being rubbed….yeaaaa…that one. Immediately he sent that reply, Afua went offline and since then he has not heard from her. All efforts to reach her has proven futile; kyer3 s3, ankosi aga!! For Kwame, if it’s because of his emoji reply to her ‘I Love You’ message, then it’s the crown of all trivialities in the universe. Because he was actually listing items he had bought in the market that afternoon for her as a way of surprising her of his relentless efforts towards their intention to marry. ‘I pray it is something else…and not about my reply’ Kwame said, pointing to the sky with his finger as if he was warning God.

Well, I could only ask him to calm down, go home and come see me in the evening. Immediately he left I sent for Afua, who came with the swiftness of a diarrhoea afflicted person who had just sighted a washroom. Surprisingly, she was not ‘wearing’ any face. I went straight to point to ask what happened with Kwame. For Afua, Kwame ‘likes that too much’. He is not romantic koraaa. ‘Can you imagine Kwame has never told me he loves me before’? She continued, ‘whenever I tell him – I love you – he either overtly ignores or pretends he hasn’t seen or heard it . Last week, I sent him an ‘I love you’ message and his reply was – you too. Can you imagine? He didn’t reply me too mpo…he said you too. Ah! so if he cannot reply with the new upgraded response which is I love you more, how about the default reply of I love you too? So as for last night though I was not expecting any better response, I would have taken me too for an answer but an emoji de3…plaen b3n’? She concluded. As Afua was narrating the event, I could see a steady build up of pain laced in her voice which is different from the expression of physical pain. At this point, I could only tell her to come in the evening, my intention is to resolve this with both present.

But before they come eh…let me share a little thought. I begin on the conclusion that all love, but agape love are conditional. Thus they are dependent on certain factors. The reasonableness or otherwise of those factors notwithstanding, the expression and development of the love that exists among humans be it erotic, platonic, etc, are but the expression of feelings. On that bases, such love cannot be in isolation. Thus the love between couples, boyfriends and girlfriends, and all other erotic love are so dependent on and influenced by external factors. It is thus normal for one to be attracted to loving a person who is a giant like me (love based on stature), others to love for reasons such as money, intelligence, accidental (as Aristotle conceives it) qualities such as mountainous (kumbutous) backside, etc.
Now, to say to someone ‘I love you’ is basically an expression of feelings. Thus when certain events resonate such a feeling, those words are expressed. Thus, many a time, when thoughts, atmosphere, circumstance and situation strike at the core of the feeling of love, then it is expressed in such manner. That is why in anger, one can seldom tell the one she/he is angry with that ‘I love you’. Heck! That is not the right moment. Can we then liken the expression of the feeling of love through ‘I love you’ to the expression of other feelings like I’m hungry, I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m indifferent, etc? On the bases that they all emanate from the emotive component of humans, they are similar if not comparable. We also realise that in the expression of those similar feelings, they require some responses from the listener. For instance, if one tells you that ‘I’m hungry’, one can have several options at response such as; ok, find something to eat, what will you eat, etc.

Why then is it that anytime that a person expresses the feeling of love through ‘I love you’, the listener is expected to respond and do respond in a prescribed manner? To which if different responses are given, they, more often than not, lead to something else? Seriously, the expression of that feeling must not force, conscript and coerce the listener into also responding with those prescribed response of ‘I love you too’ or the upgraded version, ‘I love you more’. I should feel free to respond, OK! and there should be no problem. This is because feelings can be dictated to by moments, and if the moment is not right for me, and I do not respond in that expected way, it does not make me unromantic. At first, it seemed fine to respond to ‘I love you’ with ‘me too’. Now when you try it, the person or speaker will reiterate that “you too, what”? Meaning you must by all means say ‘I love you too’. Why must it be so?

The fact that our feelings are in consonance and we love each other on that basis, does not necessarily mean our moments and instances are in consonance too. Thus when you express your feeling, you should not necessary expect a similar expression of that feeling. Love is a feeling, ‘I love you’ is only one way of expressing it. It should not conscript the listener into your moments when he or she is not ready. May be the best way is to tell the listener ‘I just want you to know that I love you, just note that’. This way, the person does not feel obliged to respond, and can respond whichever way he or she wants at the appropriate time.
Is this what I’m going to tell Kwame and Afua when they come? Some, but definitely not all. Everyone has a love language. Men think that the best love you can show is to provide and they don’t understand when the women complain in the abundance of provision. For women, little things matter, and indeed those little things are that which become ‘big’ when ignored. To succeed, we each have to keep asking ourselves, what can I do to make the us and other feel happy? As unachievable as it seems, that is the measuring rod. After all happiness is a summom bonum. Let’s live, and let’s love.

By Kow Kwegya
Cape Coast and nowhere.