THE SEX TRAP

“No matter how much you love your wife, no matter how beautiful or sexually attractive your wife is, as a man, you will experience strong sexual attraction towards other women.” When I told this to Ben Yeboah, a friend of mine who was getting married the following month, he looked at me in shock. In disbelief he said, ‘Shadrack, what are you saying? Looking at how beautiful your wife is, if anyone hears this from you, the person will say you are mad.’” Shaking my head ridiculously and smiling, I told him, “you will soon find out when you marry. I got this advice from a very respected preacher and within some few months of marriage, I was shocked to realize how strong I got sexually attracted to other women. I am only telling you this so you brace yourself for the temptation ahead. At least, if you know, you will prepare your mind to control yourself.” Even at this, he still disagreed with me until some few months after his marriage.

Meeting me after eight months of his marriage, he exclaimed, “Shadrack, what you told me is true oh! I am very much confused about this. How does it happen? Even at times, whiles driving, with my wife at the front seat, I find myself turning to catch a glimpse of the backsides of ladies walking by the roadside.” On hearing this, I could not control my laughter. Calming down, I said to him, “my brother, you are not alone. I have received several knocks from my wife whiles driving with her. Before I realize, my head has turned to watch the “form” of ladies dressed in tight and fitting trousers. This is normal and happens to almost all men.

The reason is simple, women are designed to be attractive to men. It is not because you have a depraved mind. It is a natural attraction men have towards women. If not, there would have been no way men would have pursued women. The sexual attraction of men to women is the natural power women have over men. And that power does not stop even after marriage. The attraction will not go away, rather, it is up to you the man to learn to control yourself and subdue your feelings. And the best way is to discipline yourself and resolve to be committed to your wife.”

I do not by this mean men overlook the qualities of women when considering them for marriage. Far from that, the character, intelligence and abilities of women are most important to men in marriage, but in almost all cases, the first attraction of men to women is sexual – the strong desire for intimacy with the woman. What happens after that desire determines whether the feeling was lust or love. This, we have discussed early on in the first chapter of this book.

Women are naturally designed to attract men and when the woman is both beautiful and sexually attractive to you, she becomes almost irresistible. This, I observed from a story in the book of Genesis 29:16-18 where Jacob met Rachel. Describing Rachel, a comparison was made between her and her elder sister, Leah. Leah was said to have weak eyes but Rachel was described as “beautiful and of form.” Now look at the description carefully, this is the Bible describing a woman to have form. That should tell you the kind of form she had. Now, what happened next was very intriguing.

The story continued as “and Jacob loved Rachel and said to her father, I will serve you for seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” Look at his response carefully. He couldn’t even wait for the lady’s father to give him the cost of the bride price. Instead, Jacob, in haste to have the woman of beauty and form, chose a price for himself – seven years of hard labour. He ended up serving for fourteen years to have the women he saw to be beautiful and of form, even after marrying her elder sister, Leah. One thing you should know is that Jacob did not know both Leah and Rachel until he visited them. And men at that time were not allowed to have any form of close relationship with women they were not married to. Hence, his attraction towards Rachel was based solely on what he saw on her – the beauty and the form.

This attitude of men is confirmed by a more interesting account in the book of Genesis 2:21-23. According to that account, God put Adam into deep sleep, took a rib from him and formed a woman. Afterwards, He woke Adam up and brought the woman to him and both were naked, staring at each other. Now, here is the funny part, the man was naked and the woman too was naked, both could speak but the man spoke first and even afterwards, the woman still said nothing. In haste, without waiting for any word from God, Adam said, “this is now the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh, she shall be called a woman because she came out of a man.” Interesting… I hope you can imagine the zeal with which Adam spewed out these words whiles staring at the naked woman for the first time in his life.

Now, how did he know the woman was taken out of him? He was asleep and only woke up to see a naked woman standing before him. Besides, Adam did not know the woman. He had not seen her before and he did not know her character, ability and level of intelligence, yet he experienced a strong attraction towards the woman. If he experienced this strong attraction on the first time of seeing a woman he did not know, then the only explanation for that strong attraction was what he saw – a naked woman of beauty and of form.

Women are very beautiful and attractive, perfectly designed to appeal to men. No matter how mentally strong or spiritual you are, when a woman you see to be beautiful and of form stands naked or enticingly before you, you will lose control of yourself. Before you dare yourself, recount the story of King David in 1 Samuel 11, when he saw another man’s wife naked. Even with eight wives and several concubines, he went ahead to sleep with the woman, got her pregnant and arranged for her husband to be killed. How did the Bible describe the woman; “the woman was beautiful and was naked, bathing.”

Marriage is not the antidote for sexual promiscuity, self-control is. In fact, marriage rather makes you more sexually active. Having sex frequently with your partner creates the habit of sex within yourself. The more you have sex, the more sex you want to have. And the big temptation here is that you always want your next sexual experience to be better than the first. When it comes to sex, both men and women desire new experiences. By this, if you get to the point where another woman stands sexually enticing before you, your natural sexual instincts will take over and cause you to sleep with her. It is very difficult to control yourself as a man when you are sexually aroused before a naked women. Surprisingly, women can control themselves even at this point but for men, it is near impossible. Your best chance then is to part ways with the woman before you get to that point of no return.

Some men who cheat on their wives did not have the intention to do so. Instead, they allowed the women to come too close to the point where their sexual instincts were aroused beyond their control. The only way out of this is to keep a decent distance from any woman who sexually attracts you. As long as you are not close to her, the desire will abate with time. This is what I call the sex trap. Trapping your sexual feelings for other women within you until the feelings disappear. Because if you allow it to come out, it will not end on one woman, you will only find yourself hopping from one woman to another. There is no end to womanizing, the more you sleep with different women, the more women you will desire to sleep with. Your attraction towards women will not end after marriage, but men of integrity and character always trap their feelings within themselves and stay committed to their wives. It is not easy but it is certainly possible. Just trap it inside.

(Excerpt from our next book (unedited manuscript)- coming soon. Are you ready?)